My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
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I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it