ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

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A hostage exchange, except it’s me meeting with my ex to exchange cutlery that has changed houses via school lunches.


Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.


I want 2 kids just in case the first one doesn’t get enough likes on Instagram.


My favorite response to someone asking how something works… “Magic” even when I do know how it works. Because Lazy


waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine


If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”


With people getting in trouble for yearbook content my high school strategy of not having friends or going to any parties is finally paying off


The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare


I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line