@Burger_Time_

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

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@stephenjmolloy

Date: I like bad boys.

Me: I’m a drug dealer.

Date: But one that is also responsible.

Me: At a pharmacy.

@UnFitz

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

@roostermustache

Me: if u take an opinion and subtract 3.14, you’re just left with onion. pretty crazy huh

Girl at the bar im flirting with: *takes 9 shots*

@JohnLyonTweets

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

@whereami18

Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.

@NicestHippo

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

@aedison

We’ve all been talking about your paranoia.

@mattgallo123

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

@TweetPotato314

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital

@bea_ker

*blood everywhere*

“What kind of ANIMAL would DO this?”

Well, that’s a gazelle Jeff, so probably a lion *to other ranger* Jeff’s new here