@Burger_Time_

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

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@KamanCider

Remember kids, if a stranger offers you drugs, say thank you because drugs are expensive.

@cajones113

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

@TheDairylandDon

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

@TheBoydP

I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy

@gregreckons

Her: How do you like your eggs?

Me: Wrapped in foil by Cadbury.

@CAshmanActor

alien: greetings earthlings

me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language

alien: yeet us to yaass queen

me: *pinches nose* ffs

@Staggfilms

ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.

BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?

@Parkerlawyer

I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.

10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”