Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
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[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Me: if u take an opinion and subtract 3.14, you’re just left with onion. pretty crazy huh
Girl at the bar im flirting with: *takes 9 shots*
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
We’ve all been talking about your paranoia.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
“What kind of ANIMAL would DO this?”
Well, that’s a gazelle Jeff, so probably a lion *to other ranger* Jeff’s new here