@Burger_Time_

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

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@DogGoing

A hostage exchange, except it’s me meeting with my ex to exchange cutlery that has changed houses via school lunches.

@simoncholland

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

@AsYouNotWish

I want 2 kids just in case the first one doesn’t get enough likes on Instagram.

@joeyhuggles

My favorite response to someone asking how something works… “Magic” even when I do know how it works. Because Lazy

@drankturpentine

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

@2tickytacky

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

@InternetHippo

With people getting in trouble for yearbook content my high school strategy of not having friends or going to any parties is finally paying off

@JamesCoolie

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

@Rica_Bee

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line