Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
ppl: are u sick?
me: no, im just ugly
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interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”
*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Why are people giving something up for lint? I’m sweeping that shit up every day if you want some more.
LMFAO THE NAVY OUT THEIR DAMN MINDS
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.