ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
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One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
When your parents check you’re ok.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
first you must answer his riddles
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Why does laundry happen to good people?
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”