*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
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Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun