“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
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I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
.. do you even science?
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”