an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
You Might Also Like
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
H: So you like shabby chic?
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
If you’re his dealer @ me