Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
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*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.