@evildadatron

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

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@huntigula

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

@sarcasticmommy4

Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!

Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*

@TheCiscoKidder

Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..

4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!

@crmotwo

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

@MomOnFire

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue

@BuckyIsotope

Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT

@Marlebean

Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?

@iwearaonesie

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

@LoveNLunchmeat

Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.