Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
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When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day