Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
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If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas