Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.

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[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*



I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.


the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery


Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.

Dragon: This is the last time.

Unicorn: Hell yeah!

Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]


Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.


The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word


My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…


If you need anything done now do it yourself, if you want it done right call a pro and if you don’t care if it ever gets done, ask your kid.