Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
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If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Merica.
Finally!
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
The Assassin.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad