I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
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The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!