Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
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COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so