Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
You Might Also Like
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
#gardening
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no