HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
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When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
*orders a medium pizza*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
“What’s your greatest strength?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
Baked & sliced?