@DothTheDoth: Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
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@AaronFullerton: Making a list of all the people who wrote "Happy Birthday" on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who's secretly mad at me.
@ComedicBust: GF: What a beautiful weekend. Let's go exploring. Me: [eating Cheetos in my underwear- looks directly at the camera]
@TravLeBlanc: I'm a failure as a sociopath. I'm just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I'm more of a so-sopath.
@djdarrellripley: My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It'll be like Shakespeare!