@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

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@Kirangandhi

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

@bridger_w

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

@zachobeepo

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

@DanMentos

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

@thenoahkinsey

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

@scorpiusryan21

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

@jakob_huber

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”

@seanforhire

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

@Lisabug74

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

@briancthayer

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish