good let them take over I have had enough
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what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
my mom making me talk to relatives
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda