Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
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*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.