@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

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@JMFnSparks

If I ever have a son, I’m going to name him Sparta, that way I can introduce him as “This is SPARTA!!!”

@MatCro

GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie

ME: …

G: Only u didn’t give it to me

M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair

@rablivingstone

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

@remmarg_yelsel

With Instagram’s new video function, we will now be able to hear the quacks from all the duck faces.

@Bandersnaaatch

I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.

@AndyAsAdjective

The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.

@mattZillaaaa

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

@LaziestCanine

Cashier: find everything okay?
Me: yes
[comes back 5 hours later]
Me: [through the tears] i lied, i’ve been trying to find Kony since 2012

@drayzze

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Doorbell repairman.”

@GingerHotDish

My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.