Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

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Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious


LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?



Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever


Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.


My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat


My friend texts “ur” instead of “you’re” but puts extra letters in “so” because she’s “soooo happy.”

This is why everyone hates you, Julie.


[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today

“is everything alright?”

[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no


[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car