Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
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LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
My friend texts “ur” instead of “you’re” but puts extra letters in “so” because she’s “soooo happy.”
This is why everyone hates you, Julie.
AlgeBron James is the best mathlete in the league
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
I want to hit her with my car
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.