Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
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[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
me, too, girl. me, too.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one