If I ever have a son, I’m going to name him Sparta, that way I can introduce him as “This is SPARTA!!!”
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
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GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
With Instagram’s new video function, we will now be able to hear the quacks from all the duck faces.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Cashier: find everything okay?
[comes back 5 hours later]
Me: [through the tears] i lied, i’ve been trying to find Kony since 2012
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.