Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

You Might Also Like


If I ever have a son, I’m going to name him Sparta, that way I can introduce him as “This is SPARTA!!!”


GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie

ME: …

G: Only u didn’t give it to me

M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair


People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.


With Instagram’s new video function, we will now be able to hear the quacks from all the duck faces.


I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.


The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.


[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”


Cashier: find everything okay?
Me: yes
[comes back 5 hours later]
Me: [through the tears] i lied, i’ve been trying to find Kony since 2012


“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Doorbell repairman.”


My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.