Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
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Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that