Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
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Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.