Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
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Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
*Seductively hides in the woods
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.