Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

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Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.


I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.


white people get red in the winter cause the wind too spicy


Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.

Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.


Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.


HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*


Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.


Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.