@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

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@thejamietighe

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

@herprettybones

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

@datassque

white people get red in the winter cause the wind too spicy

@karanbirtinna

Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.

Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.

@ThRealBallsDeep

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

@Staggfilms

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

@shkeeber

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

@jellybnbonanza

Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.