Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.
Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
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Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Describe myself in 4 words?
Bad at counting.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.