Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

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Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.



Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual


[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems


Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.


My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.


Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.


Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.


Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.