@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

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@SteveKoehler22

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

@AnkCoupleTO

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

@ArfMeasures

[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems

@putyoursisterd1

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

@JohnLyonTweets

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

@NotKarma

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

@PFitzpa

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

@DanSpenser

Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.