@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

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@djdarrellripley

Her: You have very beautiful hair.

Me: Oh, you flirt!

*Hands me her card*

Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…

@daemonic3

[drinks milk from carton]

WHY AREN’T YOU USING A GLASS?!?

“I went to the eye doctor”

What does that mean?

“He said I don’t need glasses”

@AristotlesNZ

Drug commercial just listed “death” as a possible side affect.

Seems totally legit.

Ask your doctor if possible death is right for you..

@SirEviscerate

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

@bossy_bootz

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

@SemFitty

Body: I’m sooooooo tired

Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES

@PinkCamoTO

Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?

Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.

@LosLos__

And then God said: Let women have infallible memory.

But technology said: And screenshots, just in casies.

@MoistPork

Men: Don’t lie to your woman, she’ll catch you. Don’t tell her the truth, she’ll be pissed. Just pray for a brick to fall on your head.

@CatsVsHumanity

Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet