Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
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[drinks milk from carton]
WHY AREN’T YOU USING A GLASS?!?
“I went to the eye doctor”
What does that mean?
“He said I don’t need glasses”
Drug commercial just listed “death” as a possible side affect.
Seems totally legit.
Ask your doctor if possible death is right for you..
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
And then God said: Let women have infallible memory.
But technology said: And screenshots, just in casies.
Men: Don’t lie to your woman, she’ll catch you. Don’t tell her the truth, she’ll be pissed. Just pray for a brick to fall on your head.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet