Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
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A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Tell the colonel to bring it
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂