Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
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I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers