Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
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If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.