@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

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@PleaseBeGneiss

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

@ohmygrapeness

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!

@mikassong

if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310

@MooseAllain

Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.

@TitansHomer

According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.

@UnFitz

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

@iwearaonesie

me:
wife:
me: Do the villains in Scooby Doo know they have the right to remain silent?
wife: GO TO SLEEP

@Raoul_Duke_71

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

@funflaps

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE