Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

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DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious


Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!


if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310


Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.


According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.


Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.


me: Do the villains in Scooby Doo know they have the right to remain silent?


Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.


[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE