DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
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Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
“He’s still sleeping.”
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
me: Do the villains in Scooby Doo know they have the right to remain silent?
wife: GO TO SLEEP
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE