@Jennarater

Practiced my breakup on my cats last night and today they are gone.

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@eminmien

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

@rohtalks

As Newton once said, “For every male action, there is a female over-reaction”.

@farleftcoast

Based on my calculations I can retire about 5 years after I die.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”

@Sarcasticsapien

When I ask someone out and they say no I get uncomfortable and just start clapping and saying “Good answer” like people on Family Feud.

@moose_chocolate

The E. coli in the city water supply means I am just one glass away from my goal weight.

@Death_Buddy

[spider’s junk email folder]

-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$

-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU

-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY

@BruceForce

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications