Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Practiced my breakup on my cats last night and today they are gone.
You Might Also Like
As Newton once said, “For every male action, there is a female over-reaction”.
Based on my calculations I can retire about 5 years after I die.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Making out with the pharmacist has its percocets…
When I ask someone out and they say no I get uncomfortable and just start clapping and saying “Good answer” like people on Family Feud.
The E. coli in the city water supply means I am just one glass away from my goal weight.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications