I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
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Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.