Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
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all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Comparing yourself to others
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.