He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
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So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.