i will avenge u mr van gogh
You Might Also Like
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head