I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
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[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.