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@SJSchauer

This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

@HousewifeOfHell

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

@Quartzjixler

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

@jwoodham

We all deserve friends like the Backstreet Boys. If you ask “am I sexuaaaal?” and don’t get a “yeeeeeeah!” in response, you need a new crew.

@sammyrhodes

Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.

@TweetingDadGuy

Winter is great because it gets dark earlier and you can get a head start on your shady activities.

@totalwackjob

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…