My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
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Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.