Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
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I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Saturday
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”