I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
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I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.