“That’s what” – She
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I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
#Thanos #MondayMood
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.