Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
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Me: I’m super funny. I mean, how could 13K people be wrong?
Husband: There were WAY more people in the Nazi party.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Feed me once shame on you, Feed me twice i’m moving in.
ME: I play for the Philadelphia Eagles.
HER: What position do u play?
ME: I’m a *thinks back to the only game I watched* wide-retriever.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Cats are just fuzzy houseplants that hate you.