Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

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Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.


Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.


I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.


Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.


I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1


What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?


Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.


Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.


Being a software engineer is pretty cool because I can just stare at my screen/zone out & if anybody questions me I say I’m optimizing code