Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
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Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
– looking for shells on the north pole beach
naming a dragon drogon is the most lazy thing I’ve ever heard lmao pls meet my dog, deg
Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of love? If you’re dying to be hurt so badly, I’ve got a baseball bat for that.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
lifeguard: can you describe the thing that touched you?
me: yea…it was like a wet wind chime made out of wieners
lifeguard: a squid?
If your Prius was a transformer his name would be Fagatron