@Angibangie

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

You Might Also Like

@BuckyIsotope

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: Have often do you have sex?

Me: Once or twice

Doctor: A week?

Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on

@LlamaInaTux

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

@stevevsninjas

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.

– looking for shells on the north pole beach

@hattiesoykan

naming a dragon drogon is the most lazy thing I’ve ever heard lmao pls meet my dog, deg

@AintNoFamily

Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of love? If you’re dying to be hurt so badly, I’ve got a baseball bat for that.

@UncleDuke1969

“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”

“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”

@PhilJamesson

me: but “greetings” is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes

@generaldietz

lifeguard: can you describe the thing that touched you?

me: yea…it was like a wet wind chime made out of wieners

lifeguard: a squid?

@ilovepie84

If your Prius was a transformer his name would be Fagatron