Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
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The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
My god she’s good.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Cashiers are always checking me out
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.