This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
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“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Customs: Open your bag please. Ma’am, your suitcase smells like marijuana.
Me: I know! Don’t even get me started on the 2 pounds I have shoved up my rectum.
Me: smells like upyou’refreetogo in here.
Cop: what’s upyou’refreetogo?
Me: *finger guns* catch ya later
Cop: aww damn lol got me again
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”
TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.