@ElleOhHell

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

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@ScaryMommy

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

@animadvertguy

LAWYER: where were you Oct 13th?
ME: alibi school
LAWYER: can u prove this?
ME: wait, the 13th?
LAWYER: ya
ME: k no I was murdering that day

@momtransparent1

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

@envydatropic

You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets

@ch000ch

[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]

@turbomanatee

Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”

@_InsanelyNormal

I think my husband cheated on me. Not one of our kids resembles him at all…

@brittwastaken

How about Amazon starts using gargoyles for clothes models so I know what it will look like on me

@TribalSpaceCat

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?