“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
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I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
it is time once again