@ElleOhHell

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

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@GuyThe_Guy

This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.

@UncleDuke1969

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

@Cpin42

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

@sixfootcandy

Customs: Open your bag please. Ma’am, your suitcase smells like marijuana.

Me: I know! Don’t even get me started on the 2 pounds I have shoved up my rectum.

@cool_as_heck

Me: smells like upyou’refreetogo in here.
Cop: what’s upyou’refreetogo?
Me: *finger guns* catch ya later
Cop: aww damn lol got me again

@ThisOneSayz

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

@PaperWash

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

@hashtag_stacks

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

@TheAlexNevil

[Italian restaurant]

LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”

TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”

@gorrdano

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.