“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

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No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.


LAWYER: where were you Oct 13th?
ME: alibi school
LAWYER: can u prove this?
ME: wait, the 13th?
ME: k no I was murdering that day


Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.


You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets


[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]


Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”


I think my husband cheated on me. Not one of our kids resembles him at all…


How about Amazon starts using gargoyles for clothes models so I know what it will look like on me


PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?