Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
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Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Planet of the Apps.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.