Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
You Might Also Like
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
The only equipped I am is ill.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.