Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
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[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
BaD BoY!!
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
dude it’s called proctologist
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless