Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
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While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Life is a suicide mission.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.