(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
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Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Choose your fighter
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.