Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
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My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck