Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
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you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
all that yoga finally paid off
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.