Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
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My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.