I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
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“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Meth, because teeth are annoying.
Recently joined the mile high club sandwich. That’s when you have sex on a plane, and it’s with a sandwich
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.