@HollyMemphis

Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,

“Guess who got laid last night?”

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@MythicPicnic

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

@carlyken

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

@zachreinert03

Recently joined the mile high club sandwich. That’s when you have sex on a plane, and it’s with a sandwich

@RichRogersIoT

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

@PaperWash

Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.

@NrouteHQ

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves

@weinerdog4life

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

@urbanfriendden

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

@AlmightyBored

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.