Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
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reviewed some movies recently
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
So true for me
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.