@huntigula

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

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@wizdom

A real boyfriend will blow up his girl’s phone when she’s mad at him. She may not want to answer, but at least she’ll see his effort.

@kelkulus

The Garden of Eden must have been one exciting place if the most tempting things were apples.

@Jake_Vig

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

@KevinBuffalo

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

@Disalmanac

Today in 1892, JRR Tolkien was born. He wrote about all the horrible things that will happen if you put a ring on it.

@comedyfish

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach

@scrappy_momma

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

@TheBoydP

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

@girl_a_whirl

I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

@ibid78

[plumber] well here’s your problem.. *keeps pulling tied handkerchiefs from toilet*
[magician] it was like that when I bought the house