A real boyfriend will blow up his girl’s phone when she’s mad at him. She may not want to answer, but at least she’ll see his effort.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
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The Garden of Eden must have been one exciting place if the most tempting things were apples.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Today in 1892, JRR Tolkien was born. He wrote about all the horrible things that will happen if you put a ring on it.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
[plumber] well here’s your problem.. *keeps pulling tied handkerchiefs from toilet*
[magician] it was like that when I bought the house