Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
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if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said