Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
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Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.