The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
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In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.